Well

So, is everyone else getting tortured?

"What's on the Agenda"

So, after lunch is served, I may relax in bed, do my work after supper, doesn't look like I'll make it to church.

Question

Should I keep my movie pass and go to church? or just practice violin, learn German, and enjoy myself online? and go to the gym.

Alas

I'm just gonna stay home and rest today probably.

I will probably practice violin and study German.

I was gone all day yesterday, took the bus to a movie after breakfast and lunch.

I'm still sore from the gym and tired.

Feeling Better

I feel so much better from exercising more.

I wanted to go to the movies today, but I might just stay home in bed and practice violin and study German.  If I went to the movies, it would take up the whole of my day, since I'm in bed resting and recovering usually in mornings while I wait to eat breakfast and lunch.  I take the bus, a long bus ride.

I have to call my caseworker to help me to move and get more money from the government.  I have to apply for Food Stamps.

The lady in charge of the group home said I could afford to live in an apartment off government money.

I am not sure if I need to learn German before I move to Germany.  I read you do, but I read that you could study here and never learn German.

... If I see a movie today, that's no practicing violin or learning German.  At least, I'd get out.  It is Friday.  It seems I go to the gym every other day.  I'll probably have to go to the clinic soon, too, about some test results, why sometimes I feel like I need to pee when I don't.  Maybe, it's a simple matter of bladder control.  When I was young, I didn't need to use the restroom much.

I wonder if I'll make it to church Sunday.  I really need to make violin, German, and resting a priority.  I'm pretty good with the gym.

I wish I could move to Minnesota, but I wonder if I'd miss the mountains and the beach.

I'm being weighed down with everyone freaking out about people from their parents' generation dying.  It's like life stopped for us.  People here must be bad, freaking out selfishly and forcing these thought cycles on others, like they're staring you down.  I made a plan, though, if I get too old for violin or something, I could get a degree in Criminal Justice or if not too old Graphic Art for Disney Imagineering.  35 isn't over the hill in adulthood.  I miss being young but am happy to always improve.

Sometimes, I don't feel like living or that I'd prefer to be younger still and that older people weren't dying.  Funny, in Orlando they weren't immature about this...  It also seems like I would be in a better place today, if I played my cards right.

I was thinking I could have a kid if I don't do violin, especially.  I don't know about marriage or sex..  Maybe, I'm not set up for that.

So, yea, feeling great physically and overall, but I can't wait to get out of this group home.  It's okay but feels childish and don't like coming down and seeing people for meals.  Also, this is a Black area.  I still do feel low sometimes, sorta lost, sorta unsure of what to do.  I keep having to "cope" and make myself feel better.

I sorta miss Orlando itself, but I feel better going to the gym and all.  They make me eat 3 meals a day, too.  I just don't like being with other people with real problems etc.  I'm not sure what I'll eat if I live on my own.  My aunt will be surprised if I live alone.  I don't want to work so I can practice violin and learn German.  I should get off these pills that make me tired, too.

I think I'm gonna get out of this.  I feel better working out and feel some support trapped here.  I wonder what I will do with violin and Germany.  It seemed like Germany was a great country with great music, but people are indeed getting older, not quite all the way though.  I've been hoping to go there, but it feels funny.  It would have worked out if I was still in high school.  I don't feel so supported anymore like about moving there.

"What's on the Agenda"

Today, I get a diabetes eye checkup, by order of the doctor.  My A1C dropped from 9.5 to 7.9.  Then, I go to a clinic to see why sometimes it feels like I have to pee or it hurts after I just went.  I probably won't have time to go anywhere.  At the gym, I jogged for 1/2 hour on the treadmill up to 165.  I guess walking 2 hours and listening to music and jogging for 1/2 hour for a long time made it get easy quickly.

I'm supposed to move out of this group home.  I got a call from a caseworker and the lady in charge of the group home thinks I can afford to live in an apartment off government money.  All I can think of is I was a dependent and my parents both got sick and died over 4 years.  I also was supposed to get money from my dad being a veteran for a certain reason.

I don't know... if I'm not in surgery or something I guess I'll be back by supper, no time to go anywhere.  I take a shower after supper.  I may work out or wait and go to the gym tomorrow.  Maybe, I can see a movie Friday, if I go to the gym tomorrow.  I've been maybe catching up on sleep, but I hope, if I'm not infected, I can practice violin and study German.

Yikes!  It's gonna be time to get off my bed, eat lunch, go to the checkups, and come home and see what I should do.

The lady in charge of the group home is leaving for a few days with another young lady in charge.

So, it's Black people here, the other girl probably part White since her eyes are blue or green.  The area is Black, too, and I get bothered, like hearing the cars outside.  I have to get out.  They get mad at me and lose it because they think they're Black and not White.  In Orlando, Black people were in their place.  People didn't bother me because they were so concerned about race, they were too busy to.  When I first came here, it was exciting to see the Native Ohioans.  I barely see any, though.  It would have been my dream to graduate from college, and I went in another area around here, where I hope to move to if it's not straight to Germany, as it seems I may not be able to right away, need to pay to live here to study, if I'm not a student may need to learn some German first.  If I just went to a college 5 years ago, I could have had a degree in German and some schools let beginners with no experience major in music.  Well, I know my parents were sick and died over years.  I also wanted to see the orchestra I follow online perform and wasn't allowed to go at first and missed seeing a world class violinist lady I would have seen.  I wanted to move to Germany and maybe found a job but was told not to go then, too, earlier on.

I get pretty miserable, especially feeling so low to wake up in the morning, making me think I'm catching up on sleep.  I was in bed at 6:30 P.M. and fell asleep maybe sometime after midnight.  I bet living in a White community would make me feel good.  I guess that is what I'll do.  I left another Black group home that was terrible for this one, so instead of wait to move to Germany may have to move to another place here first.

Check-Ups

Tomorrow, I have a diabetes/checkup eye appointment and then to the clinic to see if I have a problem with peeing, like because it can feel like I have to pee even after I already went.  I think you have to take medicine for it.

Taking Care of How I Feel

I was feeling out like I'd go to the movies, but I may stay in to rest for the doctor appointment tomorrow.  I did go to the gym yesterday and may still practice violin and study German today.

The lady in charge of the group home said she'd get me a caseworker sooner and that she and the caseworker could find me an apartment, not sure how living off government money.  I told her my housemates were getting on my nerves.

Feeling Bad

I feel tired, and I guess I need to go back to bed after breakfast.

Dejected

I wanted to go to the movies today but may just rest in bed since it hurts like I have to pee.  It was feeling a bit better but hurt again, maybe after feeling stress.  Wednesday is the doctor.

It was so hard to wind down being around the people in this group home.

I'll probably be in bed all day.  At least, I got to the gym yesterday.

I did text the lady in charge of the group home about my troubles.

This is so inconvenient.  I feel other people were irresponsible in affecting my life... no warning signals or making sense of things and panic now I know more.

Feeling Bad Still

I've been feeling bothered too much by the people in this group home and need to get out.

Also, I see the doctor Wednesday and it always feels like I have to pee even after I go.  I may need some medicine for it.

Upset and Want to Go

The people here, in the group home and area, are crazy.  I need to get out, but it's not as impossible to live here as the last group home, also Black.

Ow!

My vagina stung yesterday, and now it remains itchy.

The Human Race

The past could seem insufficient to anyone, but all people do is complain.

Abusive Overall

It seems I noticed a trend from the people monitoring me in private.  They disrupted my life and in the end it's been a long time of suffering since... and I don't matter to them now.

Feeling Low Too Often

So, I've been feeling low on and off, bothered via people monitoring me in private always pointing out that a Late Baby Boomer European lady I'm supposedly supposed to have a "relationship" with will die someday.  There are other problems, too, trying to ruin our "relationship," putting stress on her with the world, like they have to do it just for her, like she's the only famous person.  Every time I solve it or speak the truth, they have some comeback and it's still bad and they wonder what I just said.

Food

I asked for healthier food at the group home.  I still want to get out.

Feeling Bad at Any Time

I want to get out of this group home...

Tired

I don't know why! except my private was sore yesterday and I worked out more than usual at the gym.  I may just stay home and sleep or rest a lot of the day, assume I will practice violin and learn German but no exercise maybe.

School days are "a thing of the past."

"School doesn't matter."

Germans' Excuse for Racism

"The blacks!"

Can you work this out?

If you applied rules you make me follow to yourself, would it work out?

Why

My pills have made me tired since 2010.  I need to lower my A1C and get off.

Bed

I was gonna fall asleep hours ago, but the hours went by.  I'll probably stay home tomorrow.  I did exercise today, at home.  I have an appointment Thursday morning.

I want to get out of this group home.

It's a bit stressful with the people here.  East Cleveland may not be a good place to settle, an all Black community.

You wouldn't like it, too.  My room is fine, but I don't like my encounter with others, sometimes here.

Question

If it was said to me something that doesn't matter, are you allowed to get it back?

It's hard to hold onto the fact, but it doesn't seem as simple as you just made a small mistake by accident or being pressured.

Holding Out

It seems that special reward for me never comes.

"Out of It"

I've been tired, recovering, up late.  I did finally clean my room and set up my violin, but I'm trying to get out of here.  If I did get in a movie, I wonder if I'd lose time to play the violin, too.  I'm hoping for money because my parents died and for my dad being a veteran etc.  I've felt really bad, like there may be no end, sad people are getting older, including Late Baby Boomers.  It's like life passed me by tired on pills I want to get off.  I wonder if I will even go out today, said I wanted to look for another group home but not sure I can afford to get out of this state, unless the government helped.  I can only imagine I'm tired because I didn't all asleep until 2:30 A.M.  I wonder if things will change soon or if I just need a more peaceful area and some people to talk to who are more "cool" with things.  I've been around Black people in East Cleveland a lot.  I would feel better, if I go out after lunch, hopefully go to the gym.  I'm feeling better than usual, glad the past is over and taken care of.  I do feel distracted by the people monitoring me in private talking to me how the page loads on my computer and with little ticking noises etc. in my room.  I guess the people in the Cleveland area are more helpful in some ways than Orlando, but they're depressing about Baby Boomers getting older.

The Gym

I'll probably go to the gym, tomorrow.

Good Bye to This House!

I finished dinner and showered, already went for my last walk so I can get enough rest before the big move! A memory of the past, something that made a spark in time. Time to turn the next page in history.

A Crippled and Endangered World

Why are people trying to destroy the world?

They think, "Hey, I can break into this and say it's not good enough and go wild and scream and destroy the world!"  I mean, they're not helping and think "a work in progress" is trash.

We don't seem to have as much time left on this earth.  Generation X is being mistreated and misjudged.  Someday, their parental generations will be dead.  We can't even enjoy today, like there's no time and as though some people's lives weren't meant to be free and happy.  What about today?  Are people busy sending secret messages and bothering people so they can't wind down because they got higher paying jobs?  This wasn't supposed to be a problem.

I'm miserable all the time, almost, it seems now.  It's like I have nothing to look forward to if I don't reach some goals I'm spending time feeling discouraged about.  Things are getting worse, not better, and threatened not to, even if I leave East Cleveland or move to Germany.

It's like anything that could make me happy from where I am has been prevented.  People want to identify me out and be like it's too bad for me or "flip me off."

People feel scared to respect Ellen DeGeneres, for example, but they just make up things about me and trash my life.  It's hurt my ability to play violin, too, and I get made fun of for starting since Tim Burton became more famous.

Discipline and Happiness

Was there something in store?

Getting Old and Stressed

I may be ruined on the violin and feel hopeless.

Hurting

As things get more sensitive, I feel more affected yet ambushed.  Trying to take life seriously.

Sad

I could have practiced violin more, but I'm getting depressed and feeling lonely.  Think of all that was set up, and I didn't make it.  I wish the experience were better, things were missing yet happy to be out of Orlando.

Moving Tomorrow!

I'm feeling especially bad on this last day here, but if I go for a walk this evening will probably feel happy again ... until something happens.

Depressing

Before, there was a sensitive issue being worked on, and now it's like I died, can't come back.

Ruined

Things were so happy just last year.  It's like tomorrow still existed.

Legit

Why do Germans like people of another race who look less European rather than me when I'm mixed with European and Asian?  They think they have been brought up to "know their place" but that I shouldn't be able to be accepted like a European, anymore.  The United States has done this, too, and I was hoping for my life to get better in ways it hasn't, and I've been feeling worse and worse, in some ways.

A Building Experience

Do some experiences leave you worse than before you had it?

Hope

Maybe, I did things right, if only things go right now.

Do classical musicians go to the movies?

Are they placed over and above most people for their dedication to classical entertainment and arts?

Most people who can play classical music in an orchestra maybe don't like it as much as people who actually wanted to do it more but did it too late.

I imagine, if you start young, like 5, it's easier, and, therefore, they always have more time to enjoy life. People who love it more because they really decide at a more mature age, maybe during or after puberty, probably have to sacrifice more to meet the requirements or "catch up" and get in a conservatory in high school or by college.

Orlando, Florida - Just Another Dream of the Past

I'll remember the hope they had, the ways they didn't do real monkey business, distracted and concerned about racism.

They really are rooted and stuck in the past because of the inclement weather, bound by the love of Disney in their subconscious perhaps, wondering what happened to the world lost in a sea of greed and a desert of hopelessness. They've been humbled because there are no mountains and are no beaches ... no snow for Christmas. All they had was each other and their dreams.

They have instincts, and they nurture possibilities.

Problems arise, and they arise with it.

My parents died there over the course of 4 years, a time of uncertainty for all and a sign of hope in our past. We moved there in 2005.

Cleveland, Ohio, US

I feel Cleveland again in my new opportunity to move to a new group home in the same city, East Cleveland. Like that hope on the plane from Orlando.

My housemate may come back from the hospital, and all that remains is a memory and a dream.

Monday...

Life

Life is about work, not fighting.  After fighting, the excitement is over and there's "work" to catch up on...  You need to learn to appreciate things.

What to do, what to do...

Do Germans think all Americans are bad?

I imagine Germans have more intelligent education, for its citizens.

It's not really about Hitler, the Nazis, and murdering and torturing Jews.

America just go in circles and are immature.  One day, "up old," they may reflect on the past and admit they were wrong and that new generations are better than they were and are.

Germans don't really know as much about America maybe as I do, we'll see?  Except, it doesn't fit my interest, in many ways.  Basically, Americans are spoiled and grow out of the joys of childhood.  I feel I'm not considered a person of any race, or mixed race ... and that my success comes from my mom being a disciplined Asian woman and some of my dad's ethnicities, maybe German, and perhaps his last name's allure.  When it's my turn to shine, people point out my parents's unique combination, like they've never seen anything like it, before.  I can't get judged for me and be sustained socially.  I'm just a product of the result of racism plus suggested racial inferiorities, to others.  My ethnicities are typical but maybe in some ways rare, to some extent.  Maybe, it's a battle of typical prejudice victims, "ancient" family with German-American farmers and well to do Irish from the 1800s.  My mom fell prey to racism, so maybe I fall even further than my dad.  I work my way out.  People think it's unfair.  Maybe it's because I didn't go to daycare, like many, but it seems necessary maybe and sensitive that I might be treated like I'm not "white" or "European" enough in a daycare.  Maybe, it's some common thread in my unique combination of deciding factors as to how people define me.  Maybe, I was also lucky to be born in Fort Lauderdale and conceived on a beach in the area.  People are looking for one answer to condemn me for, like they're playing Candy Crush over and over.  I'm wondering why as my unique race I'm not considered valid.  There are other mixed raced people.  Maybe it's just attacking me for feeling "White" or European when I'm Asian, too.  Other Asians get more interest out in the open and on a regular basis, but they don't stand a chance next to me, as if they wanted to be European, unless you "find" reasons.  They don't talk like this about race, Asians, but Europeans/European-Americans think this way about it.  True, they may have desirable qualities I don't have.  I wonder if any overly popular Asians marry European race people and have children and if so if their children would be as attractive or more attractive or more European-seeming than me.  A lot of places I go, people are calculating racial thoughts about other races, without knowing what they're relaying.  My dad was looking for an Asian woman to talk to as pen pals, and he chose to marry my mom, who is from a special group of Asians who may seem more European but from a hotter climate.  Maybe, I should be compared to other half European half Asians.  I'm not really African American, but I respect and am attracted to African American people.  There aren't really 2 racial categories, there are at least 3 or 4.  It's not like there's 2 and those 2 are either worthy of living or mistreated in the world.  This is an example of when there are more than 2 kinds of things, and it's not good and bad etc., it's just a race.

You shouldn't put people down from disadvantaged cultures, like America.  It's not everyone's fault!  People are in different walks of life.  Do you think Abraham Lincoln was a bad guy?  I think he had to teach himself to read as an adult.  You'll have to weed the whole system to make life fair for all.  That may be impossible if we don't try.

Europe is downhill by siding with bad Americans who think they're cool.  Maybe, they're messed up? actually.  They seem to believe this.

Anyway, so, no, I don't think my mom was overly popular in an Asian way.  She was an amazing personality.

It's one of those things where your parents each have different disadvantages and have kids with some of both, supposedly, though that may not always be the case exactly.

People gave up on Generation X as a whole, too, the youngest ones, too, stunted.

I don't need to not see this not be shit in my lifetime.  People are going backwards and not focusing on enough things and having complex thoughts and intelligent conversations.  I don't like to answer to that.  I may have the same personal problems if I relocate myself to Europe.  However, I know everyone knows America and Europe are very different...  I can't find the answer, wanted to get out of Orlando for different reasons.  I'm at a disadvantage to some groups of people.  It can be difficult to wind down.

Violin

So, when I started I felt sorta distracted already like it was already too late.

Now, Baby Boomers are retiring and the orchestra and classical music is not as exciting in a way and does not hold the promise it once had.  People are zeroing in on me and hurtling to conclusions that their lives don't measure up to mine and want to ruin it for me.  Naturally, I wonder how I could heal.

My Life

So, a lot of things are lined up for me now, and it could either go good or bad.

July 4th

Well, I'm still up listening to fireworks.

Shower Time

I do feel better now.  I got to have Wendy's for supper.

To Feel Better Now

I think I will try a little exercise.

I've decided to...

...go back to bed.

1 More Factor

The gym might be all I need to lower my A1C, get off more diabetes medication, and get accepted by an acting agency so I can have fun, get out, and make money to support myself.

Maybe Thursday if I wait for the backpack in the mail on Wednesday.

Emotions

People act like it is bad for me to receive emotions but encouraged for an older lady I'm supposedly supposed to have a "relationship" with.

The "Contest"

Why make trouble for Generation X when you know they're struggling academically and don't feel loved because they aren't Late Baby Boomers?

Trend

If people see me in a good light, it's to get it out of the way, overall among others and the world.

They'll figure out a way, to disprove me "just because..."

Piano Pressure

Well, it does play more notes, and I wanted to do violin before but no answer..

Good Night!

I guess it's time to turn in, good night!

What Brings You Happiness, Now

So, the sentiment goes it wasn't about me.  I mean it ruined other people's lives that it was, even people in "high places," in the judgment of others, at least in some funny way to joke with others about to their gain...

"To the Moon!"

So, when people succeed, they get knocked down, as though they'll make it in another life.

So?

What do you think about waiting just to be okay and losing perks along the way?

Answer to My Problems

The answer to my immediate problems may be to shower right after dinner, so time doesn't go by and I can practice violin, learn German, and post online before going to sleep.

I get excited when I'm no schedule like that.

Still Tired

I have to meet someone who's here next week instead of the couple in charge.  He'll be here in like 10 minutes.  Then, I'll probably relax and go back to sleep.

I hope the gym helps lower my A1C and it goes okay.  I need to get off these diabetes pills I think a Chinese doctor over-prescribed before.  The gym lowered my A1C last time, but that one had classes and this one does not.

I also hope I do get more benefits.  The lady in charge thinks it's unlikely, but it's what I was told.

What to do?

I'd like to exercise, thinking of taking my bath too.

Yet to Come

I feel awake like I haven't had sleep.

Home

Maybe, today isn't a good day for the gym.  I guess I'll get my lunch and then maybe go back to bed.

A Bit Tired

I might go to bed now and to Planet Fitness a little later.

I have to think about withdrawing that insurance job no one has supported me about because it may be too taxing, doesn't seem cut out for me and my life.

Bed

Should I go back to bed?

I'm trying to get information about moving out, no one there, expecting to talk to 2 different people about it.

Feeling Better

Ah!  Winding down in bed, already!

Bath Time

Bath time!