I had a hard time sleeping last night, feel a little jittery and somewhat tired. I don't know if I'm going out today. I would like to go to the gym. I did do yoga at home last night. I have violin and German.
Tuesday, August 3, 2021
Sunday, August 1, 2021
New Plan
I want to wake up in the group home and eat breakfast on my own and go to the gym and come home and practice violin and study German ... and relax in the evening.
Perturbed
Someone I know seems to be in the mindset she has to freak out and do whatever older people say and tries to ruin my life in ways that seem dorky and don't make sense, like others act like that didn't just happen but doesn't really say, like if the people monitoring me in private just did it.
Miscalculation
Is this a waste of time with no end?
People are creating fantasies how a Late Baby Boomer European lady I'm supposedly supposed to have a "relationship" with is more appropriate and innocent, pretending they are as good as her while I'm not good enough.
Catastrophies
People born around 1953 don't want to hear about my philosophies of life because they're always in the wrong but feel aroused to ruin my life if I can get away from their influence. Did my life just go down the drain, in some ways?
Tactic
It seems that Late Baby Boomers are in the way of life being okay for me as they give up and retire and avoid people my generation.
Tired
Maybe, I'll stay home today.
I wonder if I should forget the movies.
I'm still tired and will go back to sleep/. I have to wake up for breakfast and lunch.
Saturday, July 31, 2021
"What's on the Agenda"
So, after lunch is served, I may relax in bed, do my work after supper, doesn't look like I'll make it to church.
Question
Should I keep my movie pass and go to church? or just practice violin, learn German, and enjoy myself online? and go to the gym.
Alas
I'm just gonna stay home and rest today probably.
I will probably practice violin and study German.
I was gone all day yesterday, took the bus to a movie after breakfast and lunch.
I'm still sore from the gym and tired.
Friday, July 30, 2021
Feeling Better
I feel so much better from exercising more.
I wanted to go to the movies today, but I might just stay home in bed and practice violin and study German. If I went to the movies, it would take up the whole of my day, since I'm in bed resting and recovering usually in mornings while I wait to eat breakfast and lunch. I take the bus, a long bus ride.
I have to call my caseworker to help me to move and get more money from the government. I have to apply for Food Stamps.
The lady in charge of the group home said I could afford to live in an apartment off government money.
I am not sure if I need to learn German before I move to Germany. I read you do, but I read that you could study here and never learn German.
... If I see a movie today, that's no practicing violin or learning German. At least, I'd get out. It is Friday. It seems I go to the gym every other day. I'll probably have to go to the clinic soon, too, about some test results, why sometimes I feel like I need to pee when I don't. Maybe, it's a simple matter of bladder control. When I was young, I didn't need to use the restroom much.
I wonder if I'll make it to church Sunday. I really need to make violin, German, and resting a priority. I'm pretty good with the gym.
I wish I could move to Minnesota, but I wonder if I'd miss the mountains and the beach.
I'm being weighed down with everyone freaking out about people from their parents' generation dying. It's like life stopped for us. People here must be bad, freaking out selfishly and forcing these thought cycles on others, like they're staring you down. I made a plan, though, if I get too old for violin or something, I could get a degree in Criminal Justice or if not too old Graphic Art for Disney Imagineering. 35 isn't over the hill in adulthood. I miss being young but am happy to always improve.
Sometimes, I don't feel like living or that I'd prefer to be younger still and that older people weren't dying. Funny, in Orlando they weren't immature about this... It also seems like I would be in a better place today, if I played my cards right.
I was thinking I could have a kid if I don't do violin, especially. I don't know about marriage or sex.. Maybe, I'm not set up for that.
So, yea, feeling great physically and overall, but I can't wait to get out of this group home. It's okay but feels childish and don't like coming down and seeing people for meals. Also, this is a Black area. I still do feel low sometimes, sorta lost, sorta unsure of what to do. I keep having to "cope" and make myself feel better.
I sorta miss Orlando itself, but I feel better going to the gym and all. They make me eat 3 meals a day, too. I just don't like being with other people with real problems etc. I'm not sure what I'll eat if I live on my own. My aunt will be surprised if I live alone. I don't want to work so I can practice violin and learn German. I should get off these pills that make me tired, too.
I think I'm gonna get out of this. I feel better working out and feel some support trapped here. I wonder what I will do with violin and Germany. It seemed like Germany was a great country with great music, but people are indeed getting older, not quite all the way though. I've been hoping to go there, but it feels funny. It would have worked out if I was still in high school. I don't feel so supported anymore like about moving there.
Wednesday, July 28, 2021
"What's on the Agenda"
Today, I get a diabetes eye checkup, by order of the doctor. My A1C dropped from 9.5 to 7.9. Then, I go to a clinic to see why sometimes it feels like I have to pee or it hurts after I just went. I probably won't have time to go anywhere. At the gym, I jogged for 1/2 hour on the treadmill up to 165. I guess walking 2 hours and listening to music and jogging for 1/2 hour for a long time made it get easy quickly.
I'm supposed to move out of this group home. I got a call from a caseworker and the lady in charge of the group home thinks I can afford to live in an apartment off government money. All I can think of is I was a dependent and my parents both got sick and died over 4 years. I also was supposed to get money from my dad being a veteran for a certain reason.
I don't know... if I'm not in surgery or something I guess I'll be back by supper, no time to go anywhere. I take a shower after supper. I may work out or wait and go to the gym tomorrow. Maybe, I can see a movie Friday, if I go to the gym tomorrow. I've been maybe catching up on sleep, but I hope, if I'm not infected, I can practice violin and study German.
Yikes! It's gonna be time to get off my bed, eat lunch, go to the checkups, and come home and see what I should do.
The lady in charge of the group home is leaving for a few days with another young lady in charge.
So, it's Black people here, the other girl probably part White since her eyes are blue or green. The area is Black, too, and I get bothered, like hearing the cars outside. I have to get out. They get mad at me and lose it because they think they're Black and not White. In Orlando, Black people were in their place. People didn't bother me because they were so concerned about race, they were too busy to. When I first came here, it was exciting to see the Native Ohioans. I barely see any, though. It would have been my dream to graduate from college, and I went in another area around here, where I hope to move to if it's not straight to Germany, as it seems I may not be able to right away, need to pay to live here to study, if I'm not a student may need to learn some German first. If I just went to a college 5 years ago, I could have had a degree in German and some schools let beginners with no experience major in music. Well, I know my parents were sick and died over years. I also wanted to see the orchestra I follow online perform and wasn't allowed to go at first and missed seeing a world class violinist lady I would have seen. I wanted to move to Germany and maybe found a job but was told not to go then, too, earlier on.
I get pretty miserable, especially feeling so low to wake up in the morning, making me think I'm catching up on sleep. I was in bed at 6:30 P.M. and fell asleep maybe sometime after midnight. I bet living in a White community would make me feel good. I guess that is what I'll do. I left another Black group home that was terrible for this one, so instead of wait to move to Germany may have to move to another place here first.
Tuesday, July 27, 2021
Check-Ups
Tomorrow, I have a diabetes/checkup eye appointment and then to the clinic to see if I have a problem with peeing, like because it can feel like I have to pee even after I already went. I think you have to take medicine for it.
Taking Care of How I Feel
I was feeling out like I'd go to the movies, but I may stay in to rest for the doctor appointment tomorrow. I did go to the gym yesterday and may still practice violin and study German today.
The lady in charge of the group home said she'd get me a caseworker sooner and that she and the caseworker could find me an apartment, not sure how living off government money. I told her my housemates were getting on my nerves.
Dejected
I wanted to go to the movies today but may just rest in bed since it hurts like I have to pee. It was feeling a bit better but hurt again, maybe after feeling stress. Wednesday is the doctor.
It was so hard to wind down being around the people in this group home.
I'll probably be in bed all day. At least, I got to the gym yesterday.
I did text the lady in charge of the group home about my troubles.
This is so inconvenient. I feel other people were irresponsible in affecting my life... no warning signals or making sense of things and panic now I know more.
Feeling Bad Still
I've been feeling bothered too much by the people in this group home and need to get out.
Also, I see the doctor Wednesday and it always feels like I have to pee even after I go. I may need some medicine for it.
Monday, July 26, 2021
Upset and Want to Go
The people here, in the group home and area, are crazy. I need to get out, but it's not as impossible to live here as the last group home, also Black.
Sunday, July 25, 2021
Abusive Overall
It seems I noticed a trend from the people monitoring me in private. They disrupted my life and in the end it's been a long time of suffering since... and I don't matter to them now.
Feeling Low Too Often
So, I've been feeling low on and off, bothered via people monitoring me in private always pointing out that a Late Baby Boomer European lady I'm supposedly supposed to have a "relationship" with will die someday. There are other problems, too, trying to ruin our "relationship," putting stress on her with the world, like they have to do it just for her, like she's the only famous person. Every time I solve it or speak the truth, they have some comeback and it's still bad and they wonder what I just said.
Tired
I don't know why! except my private was sore yesterday and I worked out more than usual at the gym. I may just stay home and sleep or rest a lot of the day, assume I will practice violin and learn German but no exercise maybe.
Saturday, July 24, 2021
Friday, July 23, 2021
Thursday, July 22, 2021
Wednesday, July 21, 2021
Bed
I was gonna fall asleep hours ago, but the hours went by. I'll probably stay home tomorrow. I did exercise today, at home. I have an appointment Thursday morning.
I want to get out of this group home.
It's a bit stressful with the people here. East Cleveland may not be a good place to settle, an all Black community.
You wouldn't like it, too. My room is fine, but I don't like my encounter with others, sometimes here.
Tuesday, July 20, 2021
Question
If it was said to me something that doesn't matter, are you allowed to get it back?
It's hard to hold onto the fact, but it doesn't seem as simple as you just made a small mistake by accident or being pressured.
Monday, July 19, 2021
"Out of It"
I've been tired, recovering, up late. I did finally clean my room and set up my violin, but I'm trying to get out of here. If I did get in a movie, I wonder if I'd lose time to play the violin, too. I'm hoping for money because my parents died and for my dad being a veteran etc. I've felt really bad, like there may be no end, sad people are getting older, including Late Baby Boomers. It's like life passed me by tired on pills I want to get off. I wonder if I will even go out today, said I wanted to look for another group home but not sure I can afford to get out of this state, unless the government helped. I can only imagine I'm tired because I didn't all asleep until 2:30 A.M. I wonder if things will change soon or if I just need a more peaceful area and some people to talk to who are more "cool" with things. I've been around Black people in East Cleveland a lot. I would feel better, if I go out after lunch, hopefully go to the gym. I'm feeling better than usual, glad the past is over and taken care of. I do feel distracted by the people monitoring me in private talking to me how the page loads on my computer and with little ticking noises etc. in my room. I guess the people in the Cleveland area are more helpful in some ways than Orlando, but they're depressing about Baby Boomers getting older.
Wednesday, July 14, 2021
Sunday, July 11, 2021
Good Bye to This House!
I finished dinner and showered, already went for my last walk so I can get enough rest before the big move! A memory of the past, something that made a spark in time. Time to turn the next page in history.
A Crippled and Endangered World
Why are people trying to destroy the world?
They think, "Hey, I can break into this and say it's not good enough and go wild and scream and destroy the world!" I mean, they're not helping and think "a work in progress" is trash.
We don't seem to have as much time left on this earth. Generation X is being mistreated and misjudged. Someday, their parental generations will be dead. We can't even enjoy today, like there's no time and as though some people's lives weren't meant to be free and happy. What about today? Are people busy sending secret messages and bothering people so they can't wind down because they got higher paying jobs? This wasn't supposed to be a problem.
I'm miserable all the time, almost, it seems now. It's like I have nothing to look forward to if I don't reach some goals I'm spending time feeling discouraged about. Things are getting worse, not better, and threatened not to, even if I leave East Cleveland or move to Germany.
It's like anything that could make me happy from where I am has been prevented. People want to identify me out and be like it's too bad for me or "flip me off."
People feel scared to respect Ellen DeGeneres, for example, but they just make up things about me and trash my life. It's hurt my ability to play violin, too, and I get made fun of for starting since Tim Burton became more famous.
Hurting
As things get more sensitive, I feel more affected yet ambushed. Trying to take life seriously.
Sad
I could have practiced violin more, but I'm getting depressed and feeling lonely. Think of all that was set up, and I didn't make it. I wish the experience were better, things were missing yet happy to be out of Orlando.
Moving Tomorrow!
I'm feeling especially bad on this last day here, but if I go for a walk this evening will probably feel happy again ... until something happens.
Depressing
Before, there was a sensitive issue being worked on, and now it's like I died, can't come back.
Saturday, July 10, 2021
Legit
Why do Germans like people of another race who look less European rather than me when I'm mixed with European and Asian? They think they have been brought up to "know their place" but that I shouldn't be able to be accepted like a European, anymore. The United States has done this, too, and I was hoping for my life to get better in ways it hasn't, and I've been feeling worse and worse, in some ways.
Do classical musicians go to the movies?
Are they placed over and above most people for their dedication to classical entertainment and arts?
Most people who can play classical music in an orchestra maybe don't like it as much as people who actually wanted to do it more but did it too late.
I imagine, if you start young, like 5, it's easier, and, therefore, they always have more time to enjoy life. People who love it more because they really decide at a more mature age, maybe during or after puberty, probably have to sacrifice more to meet the requirements or "catch up" and get in a conservatory in high school or by college.
Most people who can play classical music in an orchestra maybe don't like it as much as people who actually wanted to do it more but did it too late.
I imagine, if you start young, like 5, it's easier, and, therefore, they always have more time to enjoy life. People who love it more because they really decide at a more mature age, maybe during or after puberty, probably have to sacrifice more to meet the requirements or "catch up" and get in a conservatory in high school or by college.
Orlando, Florida - Just Another Dream of the Past
I'll remember the hope they had, the ways they didn't do real monkey business, distracted and concerned about racism.
They really are rooted and stuck in the past because of the inclement weather, bound by the love of Disney in their subconscious perhaps, wondering what happened to the world lost in a sea of greed and a desert of hopelessness. They've been humbled because there are no mountains and are no beaches ... no snow for Christmas. All they had was each other and their dreams.
They have instincts, and they nurture possibilities.
Problems arise, and they arise with it.
My parents died there over the course of 4 years, a time of uncertainty for all and a sign of hope in our past. We moved there in 2005.
Cleveland, Ohio, US
I feel Cleveland again in my new opportunity to move to a new group home in the same city, East Cleveland. Like that hope on the plane from Orlando.
My housemate may come back from the hospital, and all that remains is a memory and a dream.
Monday...
Life
Life is about work, not fighting. After fighting, the excitement is over and there's "work" to catch up on... You need to learn to appreciate things.
What to do, what to do...
Do Germans think all Americans are bad?
I imagine Germans have more intelligent education, for its citizens.
It's not really about Hitler, the Nazis, and murdering and torturing Jews.
America just go in circles and are immature. One day, "up old," they may reflect on the past and admit they were wrong and that new generations are better than they were and are.
Germans don't really know as much about America maybe as I do, we'll see? Except, it doesn't fit my interest, in many ways. Basically, Americans are spoiled and grow out of the joys of childhood. I feel I'm not considered a person of any race, or mixed race ... and that my success comes from my mom being a disciplined Asian woman and some of my dad's ethnicities, maybe German, and perhaps his last name's allure. When it's my turn to shine, people point out my parents's unique combination, like they've never seen anything like it, before. I can't get judged for me and be sustained socially. I'm just a product of the result of racism plus suggested racial inferiorities, to others. My ethnicities are typical but maybe in some ways rare, to some extent. Maybe, it's a battle of typical prejudice victims, "ancient" family with German-American farmers and well to do Irish from the 1800s. My mom fell prey to racism, so maybe I fall even further than my dad. I work my way out. People think it's unfair. Maybe it's because I didn't go to daycare, like many, but it seems necessary maybe and sensitive that I might be treated like I'm not "white" or "European" enough in a daycare. Maybe, it's some common thread in my unique combination of deciding factors as to how people define me. Maybe, I was also lucky to be born in Fort Lauderdale and conceived on a beach in the area. People are looking for one answer to condemn me for, like they're playing Candy Crush over and over. I'm wondering why as my unique race I'm not considered valid. There are other mixed raced people. Maybe it's just attacking me for feeling "White" or European when I'm Asian, too. Other Asians get more interest out in the open and on a regular basis, but they don't stand a chance next to me, as if they wanted to be European, unless you "find" reasons. They don't talk like this about race, Asians, but Europeans/European-Americans think this way about it. True, they may have desirable qualities I don't have. I wonder if any overly popular Asians marry European race people and have children and if so if their children would be as attractive or more attractive or more European-seeming than me. A lot of places I go, people are calculating racial thoughts about other races, without knowing what they're relaying. My dad was looking for an Asian woman to talk to as pen pals, and he chose to marry my mom, who is from a special group of Asians who may seem more European but from a hotter climate. Maybe, I should be compared to other half European half Asians. I'm not really African American, but I respect and am attracted to African American people. There aren't really 2 racial categories, there are at least 3 or 4. It's not like there's 2 and those 2 are either worthy of living or mistreated in the world. This is an example of when there are more than 2 kinds of things, and it's not good and bad etc., it's just a race.
You shouldn't put people down from disadvantaged cultures, like America. It's not everyone's fault! People are in different walks of life. Do you think Abraham Lincoln was a bad guy? I think he had to teach himself to read as an adult. You'll have to weed the whole system to make life fair for all. That may be impossible if we don't try.
Europe is downhill by siding with bad Americans who think they're cool. Maybe, they're messed up? actually. They seem to believe this.
Anyway, so, no, I don't think my mom was overly popular in an Asian way. She was an amazing personality.
It's one of those things where your parents each have different disadvantages and have kids with some of both, supposedly, though that may not always be the case exactly.
People gave up on Generation X as a whole, too, the youngest ones, too, stunted.
I don't need to not see this not be shit in my lifetime. People are going backwards and not focusing on enough things and having complex thoughts and intelligent conversations. I don't like to answer to that. I may have the same personal problems if I relocate myself to Europe. However, I know everyone knows America and Europe are very different... I can't find the answer, wanted to get out of Orlando for different reasons. I'm at a disadvantage to some groups of people. It can be difficult to wind down.
Thursday, July 8, 2021
Violin
So, when I started I felt sorta distracted already like it was already too late.
Now, Baby Boomers are retiring and the orchestra and classical music is not as exciting in a way and does not hold the promise it once had. People are zeroing in on me and hurtling to conclusions that their lives don't measure up to mine and want to ruin it for me. Naturally, I wonder how I could heal.
Wednesday, July 7, 2021
Sunday, July 4, 2021
1 More Factor
The gym might be all I need to lower my A1C, get off more diabetes medication, and get accepted by an acting agency so I can have fun, get out, and make money to support myself.
Maybe Thursday if I wait for the backpack in the mail on Wednesday.
Emotions
People act like it is bad for me to receive emotions but encouraged for an older lady I'm supposedly supposed to have a "relationship" with.
Saturday, July 3, 2021
The "Contest"
Why make trouble for Generation X when you know they're struggling academically and don't feel loved because they aren't Late Baby Boomers?
Trend
If people see me in a good light, it's to get it out of the way, overall among others and the world.
They'll figure out a way, to disprove me "just because..."
What Brings You Happiness, Now
So, the sentiment goes it wasn't about me. I mean it ruined other people's lives that it was, even people in "high places," in the judgment of others, at least in some funny way to joke with others about to their gain...
"To the Moon!"
So, when people succeed, they get knocked down, as though they'll make it in another life.
Answer to My Problems
The answer to my immediate problems may be to shower right after dinner, so time doesn't go by and I can practice violin, learn German, and post online before going to sleep.
I get excited when I'm no schedule like that.
Still Tired
I have to meet someone who's here next week instead of the couple in charge. He'll be here in like 10 minutes. Then, I'll probably relax and go back to sleep.
I hope the gym helps lower my A1C and it goes okay. I need to get off these diabetes pills I think a Chinese doctor over-prescribed before. The gym lowered my A1C last time, but that one had classes and this one does not.
I also hope I do get more benefits. The lady in charge thinks it's unlikely, but it's what I was told.
Friday, July 2, 2021
Home
Maybe, today isn't a good day for the gym. I guess I'll get my lunch and then maybe go back to bed.
A Bit Tired
I might go to bed now and to Planet Fitness a little later.
I have to think about withdrawing that insurance job no one has supported me about because it may be too taxing, doesn't seem cut out for me and my life.
Bed
Should I go back to bed?
I'm trying to get information about moving out, no one there, expecting to talk to 2 different people about it.
Thursday, July 1, 2021
Wednesday, June 30, 2021
Dying?
I just don't feel that cool. Of all people, why should I have stopped music?
I'm getting a part time job while I get licensed to sell insurance, flexible and pays a lot, want to see what the course is like.
I might also make money from applying to acting agencies here in Ohio. I've already been trained.
Hopelessness
I feel like the world left me to die like this, a miserable life could be up ahead.
Why didn't I learn violin and German before, anyway? Where am I supposed to be now?
Most people say your family should help, but both my parents died.
So
I'm just really miserable in the group home and living out my nightmare on my own without a college degree.
Hoping
Tired of applying for jobs, waiting to see if I get one I like.. I need to exercise, want to practice violin and learn German, depressed I feel old and others are getting near the end of their life etc.
I have to learn to sell insurance, too, just did the introduction, so far.
Bedtime
I have those errands tomorrow, probably for now will just go to sleep without a shower. Might wake up and take one, nice to before bed. I even have laundry to fold.
Feeling Worse Than Before
I just applied to work at 2 stores, maybe as a cashier. I had to go the store page to do it, not just use Indeed. I'm tired, it's 8:00 P.M. and I need my rest. I feel I've lost hope, I think. I feel like people are picking at me. I feel a little better now. I didn't get much encouragement about my insurance job I'm studying for that earns a lot, maybe $130,000/year. I really wanted to do something like classical music where you need a degree or skill. I wish I could have done this earlier, like I wanted. I switched from piano to violin with a gap in between where I sang, hopelessly lost my voice from not talking much for 2-3 years, in my room posting online. It's not very fun living in a group home, who'd want to? It's not like I have a whole apartment to myself, too. This sales job sounds like security if I do succeed. ... I am lucky to have my own room here. I don't like the food a lot. I feel stressed around people in this area, which is African American. There's no shower, though I may be able to buy one had I money. Etc. The jobs are partially to pay to get licensed to sell. I may not be able to squeeze it in and do not even get Food Stamps, anymore, because I get meals here.
Remedy
Maybe, I should sleep and rest more before thinking of a job. I may go out tomorrow, though, for the money at the bank and to return library books.
Work
I wonder if I can find a humble place that needs help, like a grocery store. Do I need to rest, though? I feel so bad. I feel people are just going crazy and nothing I do matters. Things need to get better. This isn't some joke or necessary experience, not all of it.
Libraries
I should probably return my books since I'll be busy studying for that course and things, don't want to have to go out later by bus just to return books. Hopefully, I can do that tomorrow. They were so encouraging here at the group home to go to the library as part of my life.
Sacrifice
I only get $200/month of spending money from the government.
I wonder if I have to give up getting a bus pass and contacts, to get licensed to sell insurance.
A physical part time job does not seem feasible with my health etc., but we'll see... I do like to get out.
I won't be able to spend any money. This looks like an opportunity I need to take now, after applying for all those jobs on Indeed.com.
I am a little wary of the course, but we'll see... Someone told me how some people don't pass it in my family. Someone else in my family said 2 people have jobs in sales and I know one she said works very hard and does not make as much money as I'm supposed to get.
I do feel a little dejected. The ideal would be for me to be supported and go to the gym to lower my A1C and get off some of that medication for diabetes that's making me so tired.
I thought I would get benefits from my dad dying as a disabled veteran with me as a disabled dependent maybe diagnosed before age 18, but someone isn't doing it anymore they said who was doing it before with me. It might take up to a year, too, to know. I might get a caseworker to get me more benefits, not sure when. I see the course gives you up to a month or you pay $40 to extend it.
This job might be a challenge, but I hope it works out. In the end it may be better than any other option.
I'm still doing violin and German on the side.
So, how will I have the strength to hold a part time job while I study to get a license to sell insurance? I need time to study, too. The money from the job partially could be used to get the license. That just means I can't get a monthly bus pass or contact lenses this month or maybe not even at the beginning of August, a very tight budget. I may get some money back from RSS, too, up to maybe around $500. If so that may work out. I may find out tomorrow.
Recuperating and Routine
So, I just slept and rested today.
Tomorrow:
- bank - to withdraw money for rent and the rest to transfer to another card
- get bus disability bus pass ($48/month)
- library - to pick up books (also have books from another library system)
I guess I'll go after lunch by around 1:30 P.M. Dinner is supposed to be at 5:30 P.M., but they can leave it for me for later. I have to go to all these places by bus.
I'm also working on getting licensed to sell insurance. I may need a job to pay to take the exam and get the license and start practicing, a total of up to $400. I am taking the course now, which is free. If all goes as should, I should be able to move to an apartment in August sometime. I am trying to get another job for now to pay for the licensing process. The job itself is supposed to be easy and the girl said repetitive, but it sounds interesting and pays well. I think full time you can make $130,000/year. That's about $10,000/month. I just want an apartment, for like $1,300/month and to eat out. I'm not sure if I will get a car soon. If this job doesn't work out, I know I got asked for other sales job. With my health, it's good I can work at home with this one, too, though. I know some people just work part time on weekends, maybe sell 6 things on Saturday and Sunday each.
I'm still trying to do violin and German. If I don't do a job like this, I will be stuck poor and miserable in a group home. They seem very flexible, too, though they did also say I could have agents work under me, as a likely/natural possibility, within a few months, which gets me paid even more, though I don't need it. I'm still gonna live in a cheap but nice apartment and save my money, maybe a lot of it if I make that much. We'll see how the free course goes. I got other sales offers, but this one might be the best. I wanted to work in an office, but working at home may work out better, especially with my health. I sure took a beating just for being in this group home. I feel people are out to get me. I did tell the lady in charge I was moving out. I feel very pursued and discouraged.
So, this course, I think it's 2 or 3 chapters a day, and the girl said each chapter is like 20 or so pages long, and there are like 8 minute videos. It seems to be at your own pace, though, and I can ask questions. She said it was high school level. It sure beats flipping burgers-
Where to Go
So, I left Orlando, check, still no good.
I should leave East Cleveland, an all black community, in a group home, for an area of Ohio I liked before. If it doesn't work out, I may move to Southeastern Florida.
Monday, June 28, 2021
Nonsense
It's just funny people think we are supposed to hide inside, but I get exposed and exploited and people are forced to admit things about me that aren't really right. I bet people think what I think and say is unimportant, funnily enough, being swayed by others to come to a closure, right or not. I've said a lot that seems to have been abused.. People think, "What's the use, duh, isn't Christina in trouble?" I say important things, but people play a game and go in and judge me at a high point. There's not much I can hope for on it after that.. at least there's still problems to fix that I find later if I reach this topic.
Sunday, June 27, 2021
Saturday, June 26, 2021
Friday, June 25, 2021
To Gain an Advantage
Some "naughty" people like to appeal to good people who are shy for reasons to say they're better than you ... or me.
"I sense a disturbance in the force."
Why do people think it's easier not to follow rules, and why does it make them feel better to be around people who don't? Things didn't work out, in some things.
"Did Something"
People really think I "did something" when my big thing is doing everything right and behaving.
Update
Special Posts (on the side of this blog)
A Match Made in Heaven
June 25, 2021 - Stimulated
People have made it a goal in life to stimulate an older lady I'm supposedly supposed to have a "relationship" with, maybe to appeal to her, too... They are "a motley crew." It's like it's partly as though it poses as participating as a subconscious "project" that has "leaked" into the world, somehow.
Thursday, June 24, 2021
Exposed..
I feel exposed when I see the people in charge of the home etc., just trying to eat my meal and go back to my room.
"Tested"
I haven't been doing well with food here. It's been a little while ... and I'm irritated and feel tested.
Maybe Moving if I Can, Again
I wrote to a home in Minnesota to see if I can relocate from East Cleveland...
Bathtime
I guess I'll take a bath now.
If my younger girl housemate gets back, she'll probably want to unwind and crash later.
"Pissed"
Did it really somehow come into effect for me that I'm automatically tested and in trouble if someone experiences an issue? They'd rather not bother with me if that happens, so thanks a lot after all I do, for helping influence them like that and making it possible. It would not have easily been that way...
What You CAN Do
When other cultures tell you to be nice to other cultures, they are really throwing you down. They may like those cultures for that very function, alone..
Long Kept Secrets
Does Germany intend that we can be special, too? or just pretending to be "the unsung hero?"
Well
Cancel cultures abounds.
Germans, when mean, have no point in defending themselves, in a certain way.
Cellphone
I get to use my mom's old cellphone since mine broke. I'm going to the phone store now.
Then I can apply for jobs and get the calls, not many e-mails at all after applying to like 30 jobs on Indeed.com.
Wednesday, June 23, 2021
Tuesday, June 22, 2021
Monday, June 21, 2021
Sunday, June 20, 2021
Saturday, June 19, 2021
What if-
What if prominent Germans are here to say the bad people of the US are what they're rescuing?
Tacky Tact
English or whoever people in Australia think they "did the right thing" by, after my finding someone there etc., exploiting an older lady I'm supposedly supposed to have a "relationship"with but also ruining my relationship with her and making it worse by replacing her with someone maybe English from Australia in some ways or some times, probably still lingers a feeling but was less strong when I left Orlando, Florida for a group home in Ohio after both my parents had died..
Friday, June 18, 2021
What did YOU look like as a baby?
I saw some cute pictures of me with my parents when I was born, but there were some I disliked, not sure when each was for certain.
I dunno, maybe I just didn't match a race or ethnicity's culture. I did look universally accepted or to Europeans? or European Americans? or something in the middle? Some people just have problems.
"Sojourn.."
I'm on a journey where the eternal result goes to an older lady I'm supposedly supposed to have a "relationship" with but mine is taken.
Pulverized
You were worried about Late Generation X, but you let Generation Y slip by and they don't get pulverized for being tiny in build, tinier "even" than Late Generation X.
"Across a Crowded Room"
If I was in the same room with a bunch of people and certain others, I know that those others would get more attention and my life would be over.
Map of "Events"
So, yea, this might be the position.
...But I'm just liked for a sense of morality. It was set up. True, I'm a normal person, unlike others, who are weird, not normal.
A Bad Idea
Johnny Depp is a great person in many ways, but what people did with him was a bad idea, and then they switched to ruining my "relationship" I'm supposedly supposed to have with an older European lady.
Sneaky...
Why did music work out this time for others but long ago I was given a rough time when things were actually perfectly fine and/or myself more? Before it was Hollywood? I was already into music and didn't fit. I've been singing and started violin after having played piano 10 years ago prior.
I am very happy on the General Discussion Board of film|boards. Things just didn't work out for me in music and other people. I remember staying up til midnight memorizing words or whatnot.
Thursday, June 17, 2021
Wednesday, June 16, 2021
Update
Special Posts (on the side of this blog)
Rated Restrictions
...
June 15, 2021 - Removed from the Adventure
People think I'm the unexciting one, actually.
Update
Special Posts - Edited
Rated Restrictions
...
June 14, 2021 - Unnaturally Gregarious
People wanted to say I was going to turn a new leaf and be more gregarious and so stopped that from actually happening naturally. EDIT: It's not that I wasn't interested before.
Tuesday, June 15, 2021
In Dire Straights
I might have to work because I will only have $200 of spending money, but probably $250 of Food Stamps, a month. I want to get out of here. I wished I could play more violin..
Monday, June 14, 2021
Update
"Special Posts" listed on the side of this blog.
Rated Restrictions
...
June 14, 2021 - Unnaturally Gregarious
People wanted to say I was going to turn a new leaf and be more gregarious and so stopped that from actually happening naturally.
People
People are mean to you if they feel you could have said or thought something more "politically correct."
Well?
Do Europeans not like me? It seems like my unfair life made things not work out.
So, Germans like Japan and not the Chinese.
Downhill ? Again
I find it pathetic because of something I thought and felt in private that people are "off" thinking I "submitted" to something that can't even support me, holistically, it feels now.. 😞 Not trying to complain.. I forget what I was going to say. Things just don't seem to go smoothly with me. Oh, yes, in fact, I have to make agreements. I just feel so bothered by people out there in stressful situations, mostly Black, and how the people monitoring me in private talk to me at home every time the computer loads and in the end I'm too tired to practice violin, a laborious activity. Also, why didn't I also escape community problems when I left Orlando?? It's like everyone has everything in place, too, as a person, but what about me? I imagine others are abusing me, when nothing could happen or not, a problem when I came to Orlando, a hostile and proud yet crappy area. The people there do nothing, many. I just didn't make it. The weather here is so nice. So, about the original topic, I just seem to be in a weird situation, like I did something wrong. I often seem to wonder about and post about it, how people see me as a person or can't I guess. Oh well. It's a big part of my life here, though. I just didn't like sitting here not telling anyone or something.. It's maybe not so bad with me safe here in my room now, except with the people monitoring me in private having a hard time or something or having their decisions while I've wasted my life, unable to relax unless I lie there and do nothing with my earplugs in, with the sorta loud fan on.
What to Do
I'm downstairs awake on my computer, sounds like the guy in charge is drilling a lot upstairs now.
Sunday, June 13, 2021
Trend
People are going crazy about who does the original idea of something explored, so no one can have fun with it, even if it's a fashion statement used in the 1960s on children, young girls.
Saturday, June 12, 2021
Mislabeled..
People are getting too personal with me up to no good thinking I'm actually outspoken. What a lost cause.
Disrespectful
I don't feel it is respectful and feel it is awkward how people slide by me sending me a double message copying other people, like slowly approaching me to tell me I'm inappropriate to be successful. They didn't need to do it; they just don't like me. They still talk to me. Some people wouldn't be treated that way.
In General
Most European-Americans in Ohio are incredibly nice to me, but some think I'm not social material, just something to pat on the back and send away.
Racism
Germans could be fat and lazy, yet they would still point their finger at me as unsuccessfully picky.
Friday, June 11, 2021
Edit
I titled the first special post I made today:
Early Baby Boomers on Late Baby Boomers, Basically
Update
Special Posts - linked on the side of this blog
(link)
Rated Restrictions
June 11, 2021 - No Escape
People would never be nice to me if I did things some others around my generation do. Those other people are encouraged to feel pleasure. I'm pretty much warped out. I'm out in general with strange excuses that I am not perfect and, well, worse than everyone else now.
Update
Special Posts (link on the side of this blog)
(link)
Disappointing Decisions
June 11, 2021 - Early Baby Boomers on Late Baby Boomers, Basically
Early Baby Boomers thought, since Generation X is worthless trash to them, this last social gift of pleasure and esteem should be bestowed upon special Late Baby Boomers, like the ones that are the "creme of the crop" and the "upper echelon" and keep them from doing the same to good people or anyone from Generation X.
Thursday, June 10, 2021
Becoming Enlightened
I'm lying stretched out in bed,
Feeling like they are voices inside my head.
All irritated and opened up.
Things there to me interrupt.
I solemnly swear
That I'm irritated in my underwear.
Impressing Asians?
People want me to renounce my interest in Asian things so much at all and shelter me from other races, but they themselves go out and immerse themselves in others of other races to try to impress them and win them over.
Wednesday, June 9, 2021
Anxious
My aunt suggested glasses being cheap, but my daily contact lenses for $36/month are important to me. I may only have $200/month, and the bus pass is $48/month for disabled.
Cell Phone Down
I got water on it... I will probably use my mom's old one. So, I can't take pictures until I get the phone from my younger brother in the mail and activate it. If I had any money at all, I could get a new one for $70. I wanted to pay $30/month for the advanced one in a small size.
Tuesday, June 8, 2021
The US and Europe
Is Europe really not that interested in the US, for their own good?
I get the toss-up.
Monday, June 7, 2021
Group Home
I don't think I want to go out with them anymore overall. I don't want to be out late tired. I thought it might be fun. It takes awhile to shower and drag all my stuff in and not have a shower nor cold water in the shower itself, which I use for my hair, so I use the sink for that.
Sunday, June 6, 2021
(continued)
I'm just kinda looking out for myself and trying to live a normal life and get into exciting things.
Question
Do you trust people who led you astray from being what people like if you could be that way?
My Music
It's like no one cares about my talents/skill in music, just my race and people who have great technical ability with complex notes played together.
Saturday, June 5, 2021
Wednesday, June 2, 2021
"Breakfast"
I ordered 2 strawberry smoothies and a meatball sandwich from Wawa (a gas station with lots of food and drink.)
Term Dubbed for Popular Reference
I like to say I can play and like classical music but feel some others think I'm silly when I'm not, and they are and they like to think of the term for themselves as "classically trained," kinda like a monkey or like a pet. 😅
Tuesday, June 1, 2021
Monday, May 31, 2021
My Race
Why do Europeans act like I did something bad because I'm 1/2 Asian?
People don't connect with me as much as they could, but they do with others.
I don't know what people will do being mean to me because I look White but am 1/2 Asian.
Seeing the Future
I feel like people are predicting me to do something that offends them, like have a passing thought in private, and are ready to bar me out like I'm coming.
The Relationship Between Classical and Pop Music
Classical music can be seen as an attractive form of pop music.
"Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" (2005)
Is Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (2005) about realizing stupid things and realize you're not Charlie Bucket?
Viola?
I was hung up on if I should learn viola and never started violin yet.
Everyone plays multiple string instruments. I didn't know. Same thing in band.
Pathetic
Is French New Orleans the historical penal colony of France the only near hope for transitioning into being European?
Something Fishy
People go great lengths to do things for me, but mean people keep popping up. Something fishy.
German Classical Music
Germany admits they don't work as hard in music but play the most exciting and get all the love.
Remember me?
Everyone's different, and time's up!
Sunday, May 30, 2021
People From the US etc.
I know my music teachers were part French, sisters. Celine Dion reminds me of them, French Canadian. They seem so venerable of US culture. Both moved to Florida, where I lived. I found my music teachers's last names were Swedish.
Community College - Sports
I may be able to do volleyball and basketball.
I hope to major in violin there.
They also have an indoor pool! I've been keen on that. I'm taking swimming lessons in mid July. I was gonna go to a gym, too, and do boot camp and power circuit classes, where they also have an indoor pool.
Time to Be Racist?
People think they will still be okay in my book, later on, if they slip hints of racism, like deliberately alluding to me when they mention non-White races, and I'm 1/2 White and look/ed White.
Ethnicism
People like to mess with people who are part German, like saying all these other countries are better than you.
Decisions, Decisions
Chosing to live in Fort Lauderdale or Up North is like chosing to do something like ballet as a child or not.
Is Southeastern Florida really that "modern?"
Supposedly the most modern place in the world? Maybe, it's a step ahead of what's Up North, only fancier than New Orleans in some ways.
Getting Ready for Lift Off
I'm trying to focus on just packing to leave and move Up North to a group home. I'm a bit anxious, not been trying to practice violin because of the seriousness of it. I also need to exercise more.
I have to walk an hour to CVS to finish a medical test for the group home this morning, too, so I'm focusing on getting enough sleep.
I've already started packing most of what I need.
My younger brother and I are going to the science museum to celebrate our departure. I leave around the beginning of June, and my brother has to sell the house. I'm also looking forward to the little cafe and gift shop at the science museum. I will probably take pictures of the visit and turn it into a Wix website. I remember going there about 10 years ago, my whole family, and it was pretty cool. I took some videos of the experience but took them down, I think, on an old account. Anyway, my parents died from sickness here in Orlando, Florida. I wish things could have turned out differently, for the better. I felt we weren't very close, didn't have much fun. Now that they died, I keep imagining the feeling we're together actually having a good time. My mom was only 59, and my dad was 70. I'm 35, and my younger brother is 30.
A Mystery
I realize Miami and Fort Lauderdale (just above Miami) are the modern places of the world. They are in Southeastern Florida
I also lived in Jacksonville and Orlando. Jacksonville is in Northeastern Florida, and Orlando is in a bit North of and called Central Florida.
So, which is more modern, East Coast Florida like the Northeast too ... or Florida not on the beach though it's further South in Florida like Miami?
Also, East Coast Florida in the middle area seems to be considered different from Northeastern and Southeastern Florida because people who live in Central Florida go there for the beach, so people like me who live maybe less than an hour from Disney World? Like me, their family is not from Florida, many of them.
To put it plainly... Which is more modern: Northeastern Florida or Orlando, Florida?
Orlando, Florida does not really feel like Disney World to me. I was unable to go often because of money or being tired on pills.
Saturday, May 29, 2021
Smoothies vs. Juice vs. Iced Tea vs. Coffee
Which is healthier? Did you ever see those places that sell fresh fruit products like their own fresh squeezed juices? I also realize some smoothie places are more natural than others, but some aren't as flavor-filled much at all and sometimes there seem to be other reasons, maybe choices and type of sweetener. Each smoothie place carries with it its own environment.
Thai tea
Friday, May 14, 2021
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