New Plan

I want to wake up in the group home and eat breakfast on my own and go to the gym and come home and practice violin and study German ... and relax in the evening.

Perturbed

Someone I know seems to be in the mindset she has to freak out and do whatever older people say and tries to ruin my life in ways that seem dorky and don't make sense, like others act like that didn't just happen but doesn't really say, like if the people monitoring me in private just did it.

Miscalculation

Is this a waste of time with no end?

People are creating fantasies how a Late Baby Boomer European lady I'm supposedly supposed to have a "relationship" with is more appropriate and innocent, pretending they are as good as her while I'm not good enough.

Catastrophies

People born around 1953 don't want to hear about my philosophies of life because they're always in the wrong but feel aroused to ruin my life if I can get away from their influence.  Did my life just go down the drain, in some ways?

Tactic

It seems that Late Baby Boomers are in the way of life being okay for me as they give up and retire and avoid people my generation.

Tired

Maybe, I'll stay home today.

I wonder if I should forget the movies.

I'm still tired and will go back to sleep/. I have to wake up for breakfast and lunch.

Well

So, is everyone else getting tortured?

"What's on the Agenda"

So, after lunch is served, I may relax in bed, do my work after supper, doesn't look like I'll make it to church.

Question

Should I keep my movie pass and go to church? or just practice violin, learn German, and enjoy myself online? and go to the gym.

Alas

I'm just gonna stay home and rest today probably.

I will probably practice violin and study German.

I was gone all day yesterday, took the bus to a movie after breakfast and lunch.

I'm still sore from the gym and tired.

Feeling Better

I feel so much better from exercising more.

I wanted to go to the movies today, but I might just stay home in bed and practice violin and study German.  If I went to the movies, it would take up the whole of my day, since I'm in bed resting and recovering usually in mornings while I wait to eat breakfast and lunch.  I take the bus, a long bus ride.

I have to call my caseworker to help me to move and get more money from the government.  I have to apply for Food Stamps.

The lady in charge of the group home said I could afford to live in an apartment off government money.

I am not sure if I need to learn German before I move to Germany.  I read you do, but I read that you could study here and never learn German.

... If I see a movie today, that's no practicing violin or learning German.  At least, I'd get out.  It is Friday.  It seems I go to the gym every other day.  I'll probably have to go to the clinic soon, too, about some test results, why sometimes I feel like I need to pee when I don't.  Maybe, it's a simple matter of bladder control.  When I was young, I didn't need to use the restroom much.

I wonder if I'll make it to church Sunday.  I really need to make violin, German, and resting a priority.  I'm pretty good with the gym.

I wish I could move to Minnesota, but I wonder if I'd miss the mountains and the beach.

I'm being weighed down with everyone freaking out about people from their parents' generation dying.  It's like life stopped for us.  People here must be bad, freaking out selfishly and forcing these thought cycles on others, like they're staring you down.  I made a plan, though, if I get too old for violin or something, I could get a degree in Criminal Justice or if not too old Graphic Art for Disney Imagineering.  35 isn't over the hill in adulthood.  I miss being young but am happy to always improve.

Sometimes, I don't feel like living or that I'd prefer to be younger still and that older people weren't dying.  Funny, in Orlando they weren't immature about this...  It also seems like I would be in a better place today, if I played my cards right.

I was thinking I could have a kid if I don't do violin, especially.  I don't know about marriage or sex..  Maybe, I'm not set up for that.

So, yea, feeling great physically and overall, but I can't wait to get out of this group home.  It's okay but feels childish and don't like coming down and seeing people for meals.  Also, this is a Black area.  I still do feel low sometimes, sorta lost, sorta unsure of what to do.  I keep having to "cope" and make myself feel better.

I sorta miss Orlando itself, but I feel better going to the gym and all.  They make me eat 3 meals a day, too.  I just don't like being with other people with real problems etc.  I'm not sure what I'll eat if I live on my own.  My aunt will be surprised if I live alone.  I don't want to work so I can practice violin and learn German.  I should get off these pills that make me tired, too.

I think I'm gonna get out of this.  I feel better working out and feel some support trapped here.  I wonder what I will do with violin and Germany.  It seemed like Germany was a great country with great music, but people are indeed getting older, not quite all the way though.  I've been hoping to go there, but it feels funny.  It would have worked out if I was still in high school.  I don't feel so supported anymore like about moving there.

"What's on the Agenda"

Today, I get a diabetes eye checkup, by order of the doctor.  My A1C dropped from 9.5 to 7.9.  Then, I go to a clinic to see why sometimes it feels like I have to pee or it hurts after I just went.  I probably won't have time to go anywhere.  At the gym, I jogged for 1/2 hour on the treadmill up to 165.  I guess walking 2 hours and listening to music and jogging for 1/2 hour for a long time made it get easy quickly.

I'm supposed to move out of this group home.  I got a call from a caseworker and the lady in charge of the group home thinks I can afford to live in an apartment off government money.  All I can think of is I was a dependent and my parents both got sick and died over 4 years.  I also was supposed to get money from my dad being a veteran for a certain reason.

I don't know... if I'm not in surgery or something I guess I'll be back by supper, no time to go anywhere.  I take a shower after supper.  I may work out or wait and go to the gym tomorrow.  Maybe, I can see a movie Friday, if I go to the gym tomorrow.  I've been maybe catching up on sleep, but I hope, if I'm not infected, I can practice violin and study German.

Yikes!  It's gonna be time to get off my bed, eat lunch, go to the checkups, and come home and see what I should do.

The lady in charge of the group home is leaving for a few days with another young lady in charge.

So, it's Black people here, the other girl probably part White since her eyes are blue or green.  The area is Black, too, and I get bothered, like hearing the cars outside.  I have to get out.  They get mad at me and lose it because they think they're Black and not White.  In Orlando, Black people were in their place.  People didn't bother me because they were so concerned about race, they were too busy to.  When I first came here, it was exciting to see the Native Ohioans.  I barely see any, though.  It would have been my dream to graduate from college, and I went in another area around here, where I hope to move to if it's not straight to Germany, as it seems I may not be able to right away, need to pay to live here to study, if I'm not a student may need to learn some German first.  If I just went to a college 5 years ago, I could have had a degree in German and some schools let beginners with no experience major in music.  Well, I know my parents were sick and died over years.  I also wanted to see the orchestra I follow online perform and wasn't allowed to go at first and missed seeing a world class violinist lady I would have seen.  I wanted to move to Germany and maybe found a job but was told not to go then, too, earlier on.

I get pretty miserable, especially feeling so low to wake up in the morning, making me think I'm catching up on sleep.  I was in bed at 6:30 P.M. and fell asleep maybe sometime after midnight.  I bet living in a White community would make me feel good.  I guess that is what I'll do.  I left another Black group home that was terrible for this one, so instead of wait to move to Germany may have to move to another place here first.

Check-Ups

Tomorrow, I have a diabetes/checkup eye appointment and then to the clinic to see if I have a problem with peeing, like because it can feel like I have to pee even after I already went.  I think you have to take medicine for it.

Taking Care of How I Feel

I was feeling out like I'd go to the movies, but I may stay in to rest for the doctor appointment tomorrow.  I did go to the gym yesterday and may still practice violin and study German today.

The lady in charge of the group home said she'd get me a caseworker sooner and that she and the caseworker could find me an apartment, not sure how living off government money.  I told her my housemates were getting on my nerves.

Feeling Bad

I feel tired, and I guess I need to go back to bed after breakfast.

Dejected

I wanted to go to the movies today but may just rest in bed since it hurts like I have to pee.  It was feeling a bit better but hurt again, maybe after feeling stress.  Wednesday is the doctor.

It was so hard to wind down being around the people in this group home.

I'll probably be in bed all day.  At least, I got to the gym yesterday.

I did text the lady in charge of the group home about my troubles.

This is so inconvenient.  I feel other people were irresponsible in affecting my life... no warning signals or making sense of things and panic now I know more.

Feeling Bad Still

I've been feeling bothered too much by the people in this group home and need to get out.

Also, I see the doctor Wednesday and it always feels like I have to pee even after I go.  I may need some medicine for it.

Upset and Want to Go

The people here, in the group home and area, are crazy.  I need to get out, but it's not as impossible to live here as the last group home, also Black.

Ow!

My vagina stung yesterday, and now it remains itchy.

The Human Race

The past could seem insufficient to anyone, but all people do is complain.