I'm hoping for a good day tomorrow, might get some sleep.
Wednesday, June 30, 2021
Dying?
I just don't feel that cool. Of all people, why should I have stopped music?
I'm getting a part time job while I get licensed to sell insurance, flexible and pays a lot, want to see what the course is like.
I might also make money from applying to acting agencies here in Ohio. I've already been trained.
Hopelessness
I feel like the world left me to die like this, a miserable life could be up ahead.
Why didn't I learn violin and German before, anyway? Where am I supposed to be now?
Most people say your family should help, but both my parents died.
So
I'm just really miserable in the group home and living out my nightmare on my own without a college degree.
Hoping
Tired of applying for jobs, waiting to see if I get one I like.. I need to exercise, want to practice violin and learn German, depressed I feel old and others are getting near the end of their life etc.
I have to learn to sell insurance, too, just did the introduction, so far.
Bedtime
I have those errands tomorrow, probably for now will just go to sleep without a shower. Might wake up and take one, nice to before bed. I even have laundry to fold.
Feeling Worse Than Before
I just applied to work at 2 stores, maybe as a cashier. I had to go the store page to do it, not just use Indeed. I'm tired, it's 8:00 P.M. and I need my rest. I feel I've lost hope, I think. I feel like people are picking at me. I feel a little better now. I didn't get much encouragement about my insurance job I'm studying for that earns a lot, maybe $130,000/year. I really wanted to do something like classical music where you need a degree or skill. I wish I could have done this earlier, like I wanted. I switched from piano to violin with a gap in between where I sang, hopelessly lost my voice from not talking much for 2-3 years, in my room posting online. It's not very fun living in a group home, who'd want to? It's not like I have a whole apartment to myself, too. This sales job sounds like security if I do succeed. ... I am lucky to have my own room here. I don't like the food a lot. I feel stressed around people in this area, which is African American. There's no shower, though I may be able to buy one had I money. Etc. The jobs are partially to pay to get licensed to sell. I may not be able to squeeze it in and do not even get Food Stamps, anymore, because I get meals here.
Remedy
Maybe, I should sleep and rest more before thinking of a job. I may go out tomorrow, though, for the money at the bank and to return library books.
Work
I wonder if I can find a humble place that needs help, like a grocery store. Do I need to rest, though? I feel so bad. I feel people are just going crazy and nothing I do matters. Things need to get better. This isn't some joke or necessary experience, not all of it.
Libraries
I should probably return my books since I'll be busy studying for that course and things, don't want to have to go out later by bus just to return books. Hopefully, I can do that tomorrow. They were so encouraging here at the group home to go to the library as part of my life.
Sacrifice
I only get $200/month of spending money from the government.
I wonder if I have to give up getting a bus pass and contacts, to get licensed to sell insurance.
A physical part time job does not seem feasible with my health etc., but we'll see... I do like to get out.
I won't be able to spend any money. This looks like an opportunity I need to take now, after applying for all those jobs on Indeed.com.
I am a little wary of the course, but we'll see... Someone told me how some people don't pass it in my family. Someone else in my family said 2 people have jobs in sales and I know one she said works very hard and does not make as much money as I'm supposed to get.
I do feel a little dejected. The ideal would be for me to be supported and go to the gym to lower my A1C and get off some of that medication for diabetes that's making me so tired.
I thought I would get benefits from my dad dying as a disabled veteran with me as a disabled dependent maybe diagnosed before age 18, but someone isn't doing it anymore they said who was doing it before with me. It might take up to a year, too, to know. I might get a caseworker to get me more benefits, not sure when. I see the course gives you up to a month or you pay $40 to extend it.
This job might be a challenge, but I hope it works out. In the end it may be better than any other option.
I'm still doing violin and German on the side.
So, how will I have the strength to hold a part time job while I study to get a license to sell insurance? I need time to study, too. The money from the job partially could be used to get the license. That just means I can't get a monthly bus pass or contact lenses this month or maybe not even at the beginning of August, a very tight budget. I may get some money back from RSS, too, up to maybe around $500. If so that may work out. I may find out tomorrow.
Recuperating and Routine
So, I just slept and rested today.
Tomorrow:
- bank - to withdraw money for rent and the rest to transfer to another card
- get bus disability bus pass ($48/month)
- library - to pick up books (also have books from another library system)
I guess I'll go after lunch by around 1:30 P.M. Dinner is supposed to be at 5:30 P.M., but they can leave it for me for later. I have to go to all these places by bus.
I'm also working on getting licensed to sell insurance. I may need a job to pay to take the exam and get the license and start practicing, a total of up to $400. I am taking the course now, which is free. If all goes as should, I should be able to move to an apartment in August sometime. I am trying to get another job for now to pay for the licensing process. The job itself is supposed to be easy and the girl said repetitive, but it sounds interesting and pays well. I think full time you can make $130,000/year. That's about $10,000/month. I just want an apartment, for like $1,300/month and to eat out. I'm not sure if I will get a car soon. If this job doesn't work out, I know I got asked for other sales job. With my health, it's good I can work at home with this one, too, though. I know some people just work part time on weekends, maybe sell 6 things on Saturday and Sunday each.
I'm still trying to do violin and German. If I don't do a job like this, I will be stuck poor and miserable in a group home. They seem very flexible, too, though they did also say I could have agents work under me, as a likely/natural possibility, within a few months, which gets me paid even more, though I don't need it. I'm still gonna live in a cheap but nice apartment and save my money, maybe a lot of it if I make that much. We'll see how the free course goes. I got other sales offers, but this one might be the best. I wanted to work in an office, but working at home may work out better, especially with my health. I sure took a beating just for being in this group home. I feel people are out to get me. I did tell the lady in charge I was moving out. I feel very pursued and discouraged.
So, this course, I think it's 2 or 3 chapters a day, and the girl said each chapter is like 20 or so pages long, and there are like 8 minute videos. It seems to be at your own pace, though, and I can ask questions. She said it was high school level. It sure beats flipping burgers-
Where to Go
So, I left Orlando, check, still no good.
I should leave East Cleveland, an all black community, in a group home, for an area of Ohio I liked before. If it doesn't work out, I may move to Southeastern Florida.
Monday, June 28, 2021
Nonsense
It's just funny people think we are supposed to hide inside, but I get exposed and exploited and people are forced to admit things about me that aren't really right. I bet people think what I think and say is unimportant, funnily enough, being swayed by others to come to a closure, right or not. I've said a lot that seems to have been abused.. People think, "What's the use, duh, isn't Christina in trouble?" I say important things, but people play a game and go in and judge me at a high point. There's not much I can hope for on it after that.. at least there's still problems to fix that I find later if I reach this topic.
Sunday, June 27, 2021
Saturday, June 26, 2021
Friday, June 25, 2021
To Gain an Advantage
Some "naughty" people like to appeal to good people who are shy for reasons to say they're better than you ... or me.
"I sense a disturbance in the force."
Why do people think it's easier not to follow rules, and why does it make them feel better to be around people who don't? Things didn't work out, in some things.
"Did Something"
People really think I "did something" when my big thing is doing everything right and behaving.
Update
Special Posts (on the side of this blog)
A Match Made in Heaven
June 25, 2021 - Stimulated
People have made it a goal in life to stimulate an older lady I'm supposedly supposed to have a "relationship" with, maybe to appeal to her, too... They are "a motley crew." It's like it's partly as though it poses as participating as a subconscious "project" that has "leaked" into the world, somehow.
Thursday, June 24, 2021
Exposed..
I feel exposed when I see the people in charge of the home etc., just trying to eat my meal and go back to my room.
"Tested"
I haven't been doing well with food here. It's been a little while ... and I'm irritated and feel tested.
Maybe Moving if I Can, Again
I wrote to a home in Minnesota to see if I can relocate from East Cleveland...
Bathtime
I guess I'll take a bath now.
If my younger girl housemate gets back, she'll probably want to unwind and crash later.
"Pissed"
Did it really somehow come into effect for me that I'm automatically tested and in trouble if someone experiences an issue? They'd rather not bother with me if that happens, so thanks a lot after all I do, for helping influence them like that and making it possible. It would not have easily been that way...
What You CAN Do
When other cultures tell you to be nice to other cultures, they are really throwing you down. They may like those cultures for that very function, alone..
Long Kept Secrets
Does Germany intend that we can be special, too? or just pretending to be "the unsung hero?"
Well
Cancel cultures abounds.
Germans, when mean, have no point in defending themselves, in a certain way.
Cellphone
I get to use my mom's old cellphone since mine broke. I'm going to the phone store now.
Then I can apply for jobs and get the calls, not many e-mails at all after applying to like 30 jobs on Indeed.com.
Wednesday, June 23, 2021
Tuesday, June 22, 2021
Monday, June 21, 2021
Sunday, June 20, 2021
Saturday, June 19, 2021
What if-
What if prominent Germans are here to say the bad people of the US are what they're rescuing?
Tacky Tact
English or whoever people in Australia think they "did the right thing" by, after my finding someone there etc., exploiting an older lady I'm supposedly supposed to have a "relationship"with but also ruining my relationship with her and making it worse by replacing her with someone maybe English from Australia in some ways or some times, probably still lingers a feeling but was less strong when I left Orlando, Florida for a group home in Ohio after both my parents had died..
Friday, June 18, 2021
What did YOU look like as a baby?
I saw some cute pictures of me with my parents when I was born, but there were some I disliked, not sure when each was for certain.
I dunno, maybe I just didn't match a race or ethnicity's culture. I did look universally accepted or to Europeans? or European Americans? or something in the middle? Some people just have problems.
"Sojourn.."
I'm on a journey where the eternal result goes to an older lady I'm supposedly supposed to have a "relationship" with but mine is taken.
Pulverized
You were worried about Late Generation X, but you let Generation Y slip by and they don't get pulverized for being tiny in build, tinier "even" than Late Generation X.
"Across a Crowded Room"
If I was in the same room with a bunch of people and certain others, I know that those others would get more attention and my life would be over.
Map of "Events"
So, yea, this might be the position.
...But I'm just liked for a sense of morality. It was set up. True, I'm a normal person, unlike others, who are weird, not normal.
A Bad Idea
Johnny Depp is a great person in many ways, but what people did with him was a bad idea, and then they switched to ruining my "relationship" I'm supposedly supposed to have with an older European lady.
Sneaky...
Why did music work out this time for others but long ago I was given a rough time when things were actually perfectly fine and/or myself more? Before it was Hollywood? I was already into music and didn't fit. I've been singing and started violin after having played piano 10 years ago prior.
I am very happy on the General Discussion Board of film|boards. Things just didn't work out for me in music and other people. I remember staying up til midnight memorizing words or whatnot.
Thursday, June 17, 2021
Wednesday, June 16, 2021
Update
Special Posts (on the side of this blog)
Rated Restrictions
...
June 15, 2021 - Removed from the Adventure
People think I'm the unexciting one, actually.
Update
Special Posts - Edited
Rated Restrictions
...
June 14, 2021 - Unnaturally Gregarious
People wanted to say I was going to turn a new leaf and be more gregarious and so stopped that from actually happening naturally. EDIT: It's not that I wasn't interested before.
Tuesday, June 15, 2021
In Dire Straights
I might have to work because I will only have $200 of spending money, but probably $250 of Food Stamps, a month. I want to get out of here. I wished I could play more violin..
Monday, June 14, 2021
Update
"Special Posts" listed on the side of this blog.
Rated Restrictions
...
June 14, 2021 - Unnaturally Gregarious
People wanted to say I was going to turn a new leaf and be more gregarious and so stopped that from actually happening naturally.
People
People are mean to you if they feel you could have said or thought something more "politically correct."
Well?
Do Europeans not like me? It seems like my unfair life made things not work out.
So, Germans like Japan and not the Chinese.
Downhill ? Again
I find it pathetic because of something I thought and felt in private that people are "off" thinking I "submitted" to something that can't even support me, holistically, it feels now.. 😞 Not trying to complain.. I forget what I was going to say. Things just don't seem to go smoothly with me. Oh, yes, in fact, I have to make agreements. I just feel so bothered by people out there in stressful situations, mostly Black, and how the people monitoring me in private talk to me at home every time the computer loads and in the end I'm too tired to practice violin, a laborious activity. Also, why didn't I also escape community problems when I left Orlando?? It's like everyone has everything in place, too, as a person, but what about me? I imagine others are abusing me, when nothing could happen or not, a problem when I came to Orlando, a hostile and proud yet crappy area. The people there do nothing, many. I just didn't make it. The weather here is so nice. So, about the original topic, I just seem to be in a weird situation, like I did something wrong. I often seem to wonder about and post about it, how people see me as a person or can't I guess. Oh well. It's a big part of my life here, though. I just didn't like sitting here not telling anyone or something.. It's maybe not so bad with me safe here in my room now, except with the people monitoring me in private having a hard time or something or having their decisions while I've wasted my life, unable to relax unless I lie there and do nothing with my earplugs in, with the sorta loud fan on.
What to Do
I'm downstairs awake on my computer, sounds like the guy in charge is drilling a lot upstairs now.
Sunday, June 13, 2021
Trend
People are going crazy about who does the original idea of something explored, so no one can have fun with it, even if it's a fashion statement used in the 1960s on children, young girls.
Saturday, June 12, 2021
Mislabeled..
People are getting too personal with me up to no good thinking I'm actually outspoken. What a lost cause.
Disrespectful
I don't feel it is respectful and feel it is awkward how people slide by me sending me a double message copying other people, like slowly approaching me to tell me I'm inappropriate to be successful. They didn't need to do it; they just don't like me. They still talk to me. Some people wouldn't be treated that way.
In General
Most European-Americans in Ohio are incredibly nice to me, but some think I'm not social material, just something to pat on the back and send away.
Racism
Germans could be fat and lazy, yet they would still point their finger at me as unsuccessfully picky.
Friday, June 11, 2021
Edit
I titled the first special post I made today:
Early Baby Boomers on Late Baby Boomers, Basically
Update
Special Posts - linked on the side of this blog
(link)
Rated Restrictions
June 11, 2021 - No Escape
People would never be nice to me if I did things some others around my generation do. Those other people are encouraged to feel pleasure. I'm pretty much warped out. I'm out in general with strange excuses that I am not perfect and, well, worse than everyone else now.
Update
Special Posts (link on the side of this blog)
(link)
Disappointing Decisions
June 11, 2021 - Early Baby Boomers on Late Baby Boomers, Basically
Early Baby Boomers thought, since Generation X is worthless trash to them, this last social gift of pleasure and esteem should be bestowed upon special Late Baby Boomers, like the ones that are the "creme of the crop" and the "upper echelon" and keep them from doing the same to good people or anyone from Generation X.
Thursday, June 10, 2021
Becoming Enlightened
I'm lying stretched out in bed,
Feeling like they are voices inside my head.
All irritated and opened up.
Things there to me interrupt.
I solemnly swear
That I'm irritated in my underwear.
Impressing Asians?
People want me to renounce my interest in Asian things so much at all and shelter me from other races, but they themselves go out and immerse themselves in others of other races to try to impress them and win them over.
Wednesday, June 9, 2021
Anxious
My aunt suggested glasses being cheap, but my daily contact lenses for $36/month are important to me. I may only have $200/month, and the bus pass is $48/month for disabled.
Cell Phone Down
I got water on it... I will probably use my mom's old one. So, I can't take pictures until I get the phone from my younger brother in the mail and activate it. If I had any money at all, I could get a new one for $70. I wanted to pay $30/month for the advanced one in a small size.
Tuesday, June 8, 2021
The US and Europe
Is Europe really not that interested in the US, for their own good?
I get the toss-up.
Monday, June 7, 2021
Group Home
I don't think I want to go out with them anymore overall. I don't want to be out late tired. I thought it might be fun. It takes awhile to shower and drag all my stuff in and not have a shower nor cold water in the shower itself, which I use for my hair, so I use the sink for that.
Sunday, June 6, 2021
(continued)
I'm just kinda looking out for myself and trying to live a normal life and get into exciting things.
Question
Do you trust people who led you astray from being what people like if you could be that way?
My Music
It's like no one cares about my talents/skill in music, just my race and people who have great technical ability with complex notes played together.
Saturday, June 5, 2021
Wednesday, June 2, 2021
"Breakfast"
I ordered 2 strawberry smoothies and a meatball sandwich from Wawa (a gas station with lots of food and drink.)
Term Dubbed for Popular Reference
I like to say I can play and like classical music but feel some others think I'm silly when I'm not, and they are and they like to think of the term for themselves as "classically trained," kinda like a monkey or like a pet. 😅
Tuesday, June 1, 2021
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